STOP CHASING PEOPLE WHO AREN'T CHASING YOU...AND OTHER SHARED WISDOM

Your calendar is full, your brain is fried, and your soul is starving. Or maybe your calendar isn’t full enough because you’ve yet to take the proper steps to build your business, but you still feel empty and burned out. Let’s face it, we live in the information age where, the problem is no longer a lack of information, but way too much information. Modern hustle culture is obsessed with tactics but sadly incurious about principles and wisdom.

Here’s the hard truth: The problems you’re facing aren’t new. They’re just swimming in Wi-Fi and bathed in blue light. Most people today are overdosing on information and starving for wisdom. Let's fix that today.

Good morning my friends and welcome back to the show. My name is Blaine Feyen, founder of the coaching academy and your host for this, and every episode of the always sponsor free, Real Value Podcast. In this episode, I’m going to share some of the lessons I’ve learned along my own journey, not just in business, but in life as well. Some of the things I share in this episode may not apply to you or where you are in your own journey at all, and that’s okay. If there is something in this episode that resonates with you, awesome, I’ve done my job.

Before we get into this topic, I must disclaim that none of what I talk about on today’s show is to be attributed to me. I wholeheartedly believe in the honesty and integrity of attribution, which means give credit where credit is due. All of the things I talk about on this episode have come from others in some form or fashion. I’m going to add my takes on these ‘seeds of wisdom’, maybe tell a brief story or two to make a point, but almost all of the things I share in today’s show could be labeled ancient wisdom to a large degree.

Some may hear things that they’ve read in the bible in some form, or maybe wisdom from the Stoics or Zen masters. None of this stuff is new, they’re just ideas and wisdom that I’ve recognized as being supremely helpful in my own journey over the decades and simply wanted to share my thoughts on this wisdom with all of you.

Speaking of the Stoics and Zen masters, if I was to give attribution to any group for this first one, it would likely be both of those. As many of you know, I spent some portion of my early 20’s studying some Eastern philosophies and practices in a fairly immersive way. In fact, I’ve found myself saying in conversations over the years when talking about acquiring things like cars, houses, jewelry, and whatnot, that my Zen training kinda ruined all of that for me because I don’t have much of a drive to acquire things. I have a much stronger drive to have experiences, which leads to this first wisdom drop:

1. Life is more about subtraction than addition.

If we’re staying on math equations for just a bit, we could also say that life is more about multiplication than addition, but subtraction definitely sounds more Zen and Stoic than multiplication. So, let me explain how I take both of those.

From my experience, and from some of the lessons I learned from my Zen training is that pain is an unavoidable emotion in life, but suffering is a choice. Pain is just part of the experience of being human, where suffering is a choice we all have to choose or not choose. Suffering, unlike pain, is often self-created based on the expectations we have and the ideas and things we become attached to. It is those attachments to the ideas and the things, especially the things we think will bring us more pleasure, that create the most suffering in our lives in the forms of overwork, stress, anxiety, trading our health for income, and so on.

Somewhere along our journey from infancy to adulthood we are often injected with ideas that there is something missing and that something, once obtained or added to our lives, will solve the issue and life will be complete. Of course, just hearing that, everyone listening can laugh at the idea because the ‘thing’ that is missing is a quickly moving target. You work toward the acquisition of the thing, whatever it may be, and, shortly after acquisition of said thing, your standards start to change. It’s not long before the thing no longer brings the same joy and pleasure it once did and we quickly begin the search for the new thing that will complete us.

For many, this constantly moving target becomes a bigger house, better car, nicer neighborhood, better partner, nicer things, and so on. I’m not judging anyone for wanting a or needing a nicer or better home, a nicer or better form of transportation, or the acquisition of things that make you happy. I’m no different in that regard. I too like to set my sights on things that I think will bring me some joy and happiness. Afterall, what’s the point of trading your precious life energy for money if you can’t then use that money to increase your station in life and have more pleasure.

The point is not to discourage you or judge you for earning money and acquiring things. The point of this piece of wisdom is simply to awaken one’s curiosity and introspective faculties to ask more questions about what is truly needed to live a fulfilling life. Everyone gets to judge what that is for themselves. What the ancients simply said was that true peace and joy in life is more about what we eliminate than what we add. In many instances, this wisdom came in the form of the idea that, often what is much better than the ‘thing’ is not needing or wanting the thing in the first place.

Things often add more clutter to our lives and clutter reduces clarity. The more we want, the more we sacrifice presence in the current moment because we’re thinking about the thing(s) we want. When we think about the things we want (the things we don’t yet have), we’re giving attention, energy, and focus to the fact that we don’t yet have that thing and what we think it will bring us in the way of pleasure or peace, which is really a focus on lack or absence of that thing. When we focus on absence or on lack, we create suffering in our lives, which we think will be solved by having the thing.

That’s enough Zen for this point, but hopefully you’re seeing the circle of suffering that is often created by thinking that by adding more things to our lives we’ll be happy, when, in fact, real happiness is often already right in front of us in the form of not needing or wanting anything else outside of what we already have.

As this pertains to business, I’ll pose it as a question I learned from Tim Ferriss, which is, ‘what if the only tool or choice you had available to you was to subtract something instead of adding something?’ What if, instead of adding more processes, people, or clients, we subtracted processes, people, and clients? What would that look like? I’m not telling you to fire anyone, just to stay in the question of removing things instead of adding things. It’s a First Principles way of looking at the world and often a very satisfying way of solving challenges. Instead of asking what’s missing, we start to ask, ‘what is already here that isn’t needed?’ What are we doing that doesn’t need to be done at all? What are we doing that we should be doing less of or done differently? What is so and so doing that they shouldn’t be doing? What would happen if we eliminated this process altogether? What would happen if we eliminated this client altogether? Would our lives and business get better or worse? And so on.

Clarity comes when you clear the clutter, and suffering tends to disappear when you focus on subtracting rather than adding, especially when what we’re subtracting is the desire for something we think will bring us more peace, but actually just adds more suffering.

The next life lesson I still grapple with, although it gets easier with each passing year, is the notion that:

2. the people we’re often trying to impress will likely not be at our funeral.

This one speaks to the idea of how chasing acceptance and recognition is a game with no prize. If the people you’re trying to impress won’t be carrying your casket, why carry their opinions? Focus on legacy over likes and impact over impressions. In the end, those are the things that will live on when you’re long gone.

The next wisdom bomb, if you will, is for the perfectionist in you that needs everything to be just right before you'll take a risk or start something. The way I remember this one since it’s become something of a mantra for me is that:

3. momentum beats motivation.

If you’re waiting for the right moment, the right setting, the right resources, the right people, or the right environment to start something, it will likely never happen. Many a highly intelligent person has gone to their grave never having acted upon what could’ve been a life, and maybe world changing idea.

Having worked and coached a lot of people over the years, a very common question I find myself asking is, ‘what are you waiting for to get started on this?’, the answer to which is often a list of things that will likely never show up in the right order or at the right time. The irony is that those things on the list they think need to be in place before taking action will never show up UNTIL they take some action.

It’s like ordering a pizza at night from a restaurant that doesn’t deliver, so you know you’re going to have to get into your car at some point to go pick it up. But, since you can’t see the complete path beyond the area that your headlights will illuminate for you on the way there, you never pick up the pizza. If you need to see the whole road all the way to pizza place to trust that the road will continue beyond your headlights, you’d never leave your home.

That’s not what most people do. Most people have faith that there will be some road up ahead of the area that isn’t initially illuminated by the headlights. If, by some crazy happenstance, the road is washed out or you drive down a dead end, you’ll have enough information from your momentum and the area your headlights cover to make the necessary decisions to correct your course. But that only happens with movement. Movement creates clarity, waiting creates cobwebs and kills motivation.

I’ll tell you where I see this happen on a weekly basis in my coaching business. It’s when someone reaches out to me for coaching, we have an initial call, they say they’ve been thinking about this for a long time and now they’re finally ready, we send them all the stuff to begin…crickets.

I saw this in the martial arts business as well. People would research, they’d call for information, they’d stop in and watch some classes, they’d come to the office window afterwards to get all the paperwork to start…crickets.

Friends, if you’re thinking of doing something, whether it’s starting with a coach, getting a personal trainer or taking a martial arts class, making a change in your business, maybe starting another business; I’m not suggesting you just run headlong into a brick wall. Do whatever research you deem necessary but just know that you’ll never get to a 100% risk free level on anything. You simply cannot be guaranteed a particular outcome in life. The only way to get closer to risk free is to actually take some action, because often the riskiest thing you’ll ever do in your life is to wait.

The next bit of life wisdom I’ve learned over the years and find myself sharing a lot with my kids, my partner, and my coaching clients is that everyone you see and can imagine in your mind is the main character in their own story. Another way to say this one is that nobody is thinking about you as much as you think they are.

Most people are way too focused on their own lives, their own issues, their own hopes and dreams, not to mention their own trials and tribulations, to focus on you. Sometimes it can be a difficult thing to hear, especially if you’re a tad narcissistic, but you’re not the headline in anyone’s story. Everyone is the main character in their own story, and that goes for you too.

If you find yourself spending an inordinate amount of time focused on what other people think of you and that is somehow limiting what you might try, stop it! What somebody is else thinks about you is none of your business, but it’s also unlikely that they’re really thinking about you the way you imagine they are. End your own suffering and never give anyone else that much power in your story. Don’t act like a main character but know that you are the main character in your own story and that sometimes leads to an unhealthy obsession with what other people think. Remember, most people are fighting their own invisible wars, not focused on yours.

This next bit of wisdom I’ve been gifted over the years comes from a boat load of personal scenarios, some counseling and therapy, a difficult divorce, and, of course, something I heard from someone else that more aptly worded this one than I ever could.

4. The quality of our life and business is directly related to the amount of difficult conversations we’re willing to have.

The bottom line of this one is that avoiding difficult conversations and situations is a choice, as every decision ultimately is. All choices come with some kind of consequence. The consequences for avoiding difficult conversations, for whatever reason you may be avoiding them and depending on whether it’s a personal one or business related, are vast. In business, the avoidance of difficult conversations often leads to great loss of time, money, respect, and opportunity.

If the difficult conversations are in your personal life, well, I suspect I don’t even have to say anything about this one because almost everyone listening likely has an example of a situation that would have been infinitely better or resolved had a difficult conversation taken place, or you have a memory of a difficult conversation that was had and all of the outcomes that issued forth from that conversation, however painful at the time.

The thing about difficult conversations is that they often don’t lose their negative energy for some time after the conversation. I don’t want to suggest that, if you’ll just have that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding, everyone will be hugging and singing ‘kum-ba yah’ afterwards. Oftentimes, difficult conversations lead to hurt feelings, lost friendships, and negative emotions for some time after the interaction. But the fear of those kinds of outcomes should never stop us from doing what we know needs to be done for some greater good, even if that greater good is simply your own peace.

Anyone who’s ever been through a divorce can point to at least one very difficult conversation that was likely being avoided for some time and for some reason. I know I was. Just having the conversation didn’t solve or fix everything in the moment. But personally, I can look back at that one conversation as the catalyst of so many things that happened after the conversation that simply couldn’t have taken place had that one difficult conversation never happened.

If you’ve ever had to let somebody go from your company, difficult conversation. If you’ve ever had to confront a bully, difficult conversation. If you’ve ever had to fire a client, difficult conversation. If you’ve ever been the one fired, or maybe you were the bully, difficult conversation.

I’d have to say I’ve been on the receiving end of almost as many difficult conversations somebody else had to have with me as I’ve had to have with others. When I think back on some of those conversations I cringe inside, not because it was awkward for me, which they always were, but because of how difficult and awkward it must’ve been for the person that was speaking to me. But thank goodness they had those difficult conversations with me because every one of those was a catalyst to becoming someone or something I wasn’t at the time.

I can also tell you that, like almost any other habit or behavior we do on the regular, having difficult conversations is a muscle that gets stronger the more you exercise it. I have meetings almost every week with coaching members and prospective coaching members that I would categorize as ‘difficult’ conversations in that I risk having the person never want to speak with or hear from me again. I have to say and do things that most would consider to be ‘difficult’ and would much prefer to avoid, if possible, but I have to do it because I have a set of principles that I live and coach by.

Two of those principles are honesty and integrity, which compel me to tell people what I’m seeing, hearing, and thinking, even if the cost is that they get upset with me for saying it. Nevertheless, at least in a coaching relationship, I believe that’s what they’re paying me to do. When it comes to prospective coaching relationships, I don’t necessarily have as much rapport or permission to be blunt and honest yet, so the conversations aren’t as difficult. But, I can tell you I have to have at least one awkward and difficult conversation at least once per month when I turn a prospective coaching client down because it’s just not the right fit.

Those are awkward and difficult conversations because I know that, in a very real sense, I am rejecting that person. Rejection is one of the toughest emotions we have to deal with, right after loss of a loved one, because it’s an assassination of our ego. Ego death by another will almost always lead to bad feelings.

Whatever the reason or the potential outcome, when you know in your heart that a difficult conversation needs to be had, don’t avoid it. Step into the fear because the door to growth for all parties is guarded by an awkward and difficult conversation.

The last bit of wisdom I’ll share in this episode, and again one that I was given by somebody else, is that:

5. Burnout isn’t the result of doing too much, it’s the result of doing too little of what really lights you up inside.

Sometimes the way I coach on this topic is that burnout is simply the result of a lack of vision. If you think of a time you were really excited and energized to start something, you had an almost limitless amount of energy when working on it. You’d get up early and stay up late. You’ll work on the weekends and through holidays because that thing lights you up inside. Not working on it brings you pain, anxiety, and restlessness because you’re so clear in your vision of it that you can’t imagine not nurturing this little baby into adulthood.

If you’ve never experienced what I just described then this whole topic may not apply to you, although I’m quite sure you can think of a life experience that resembles what I just described, even if it was just a hobby you took up.

Burnout is very real. I talked in a podcast less than a year ago about my own burnout after my True Footage experience and it wasn’t because I was overworked. My burnout came from the slow death of the vision I and several others had for what we thought we could create with that project. It came from the egregious lack of difficult conversations that should have been had by the CEO and several others in leadership positions. And it came from the increasing realization that the people I thought shared a similar vision slowly gave up on that vision seemingly to protect their positions and their paycheck.

When you have a clear vision of a world that could exist that doesn’t yet today, you somehow find the energy to work toward that vision. Where there is no vision, there is nothing to energize which leaves you simply with the grind, the drudgery, and the daily slog for money alone. Don’t get me wrong, money is important, but only important in the context of what we value money for, which is typically because it’s supposed to buy us more freedom from the things we don’t love doing and freedom to do more of the things we truly love to do.

When the only reason you’re doing something is for the money, the only reasonable result is burnout. Burnout doesn’t come from doing too much, it comes from doing too little or too few of the things that really light you up. Find the things that light you up on the inside and cultivate the discipline to do those things on the regular.

What I strongly suggest you also do is take time every year to sit down and write out your vision for your life and your business. So many people end up choosing a job or a career based on how much income they think it will provide for them if they just do the right things, and I am not blaming nor judging them since there was a point in my life where I did the same thing. I’m just coming to you now as a mid 50’s seeker who’s been on this journey for some time and have learned some painful, yet beneficial lessons. One of the biggest lessons, at least for me, has been this one.

Any time I’ve found myself burned out on life or work, with a little introspection followed by a little writing work, I’ve always come to the realization that my burn out was the result of the loss of a vision for myself. The anxiety I was feeling during those times was simply my creativity with no focus and no project. Give yourself a project. Heck, create a couple small projects for yourself that ignite something in you that gives you inspiration and energy. Do periodic check ins with your energy, not your calendar. If your calendar runs your life, burnout will be the inevitable return on the investment of your life energy.

I know I said that was the last one, but I’ll share a few bonus insights I’ve awakened to over the years. Some of these might be ones that your reaction to is, ‘well, no shit, Blaine!’, but I’ll share them anyways.

The first bonus insight, and this one I learned from working with military and law enforcement agencies and some pretty serious warrior archetypes, is that the strongest person in the room is the one who doesn’t need to prove it. Real power doesn’t need to raise its voice, real power whispers. When you see people denigrating others online, acting like their holier than everyone else, or that they’re the smartest one’s in the arena, remember this one. You can just as easily replace the word ‘strongest’ with ‘smartest’ or ‘most accomplished’, or ‘most confident’, or whatever term you’d like. The smartest person in the room is the one who doesn’t need to prove it. The most accomplished, the most adept, the most generous, etc.

The second bonus insight is that most people are fighting invisible wars, so treat them accordingly. If you’re anything like me, you too have learned this one the hard way by saying something to someone based on an assumption you had about them, only to find out they were fighting an intense internal battle that, had you known at the time, would’ve altered not only your perspective, but your response as well. Kindness is the rarest flex of all, even when the other person isn’t being kind. Quite often, unkind people are unkind BECAUSE of the invisible battle their fighting.

The last bonus insight is that, if the path you’re on is crowded, you’re probably on the wrong path. If everyone is doing it, it probably shouldn’t be done at all. Greatness, not to mention peace, are often found in the quiet corners and pursuits, not in the crowded hallways. If you’ve ever traveled to a new place, maybe a foreign country, the same wisdom holds true: the best places to visit are probably the ones very few travelers know about. Whether its travel, business, or life, quite often the best place to be is the quiet, unassuming alley outside the nondescript pub that only the locals know about.