THE DISPOSABLE MAN

We need to talk about masculinity. The truth is that masculinity in and of itself is not toxic. Weakness disguised as toughness is toxic. Insecurity cloaked in loudness, abuse, and dominance over others is toxic. But pretending that men can’t feel, hurt, love; that they can’t lead with compassion, need anyone else, or that the world doesn’t need them? That’s one of the most destructive lies of all.

If you’re a man listening to this, you may have been sold a cheap knock-off version of masculinity, and it may be costing you your health, your relationships, and maybe even your future. If you’re a woman listening to this and you think that all things male are toxic, that you don’t need a man, and that you’ve been oppressed by men, you may want to skip this episode.

So, let’s clear something up: being a man isn’t toxic, despite what some may want you to think. Masculinity isn’t toxic, although there is a growing sentiment that some aspects of masculinity definitely can be. Weak men who hide behind anger, domination, and repression are toxic. But so are the bitter women who weaponize victimhood, shame, and fear against men and what it means to be masculine. The truth is that real masculinity doesn’t bow to either one. Real masculinity doesn’t need to dominate anyone, but it also doesn’t shrink, cower, or stay silent when either of the sexes behave badly.

Calling out bad and toxic behavior in men has most certainly raised awareness of a very real issue. And calling out bad and toxic behavior in women isn’t misogyny or aggressiveness. Two things can be true at the same time and, in this episode, we’re going to break down what I think it means to be a man in 2025 and how that relates to our profession, our businesses, and our lives. But this episode is not just for the men, it’s for the women too.

Let’s be clear, as is true with every one of these episodes, you have every right to disagree with everything I say on the show. You can agree with some it, disagree with parts, you can turn off the show in disgust and never come back. You have lots of options in that regard. However, one of the benefits of this being my show is that I get to talk about the things that I think matter in the world and this topic is one that gets talked a lot about by others, although the loudest of those conversations are typically led by women talking about toxic masculinity and all the things men shouldn’t be doing, and not by strong male role models talking about all sides and aspects of the topic.

That is not to say that I am that strong male role model. I am a male, I am a role model by default to my two sons, and I have been a role model to many other males over the decades in my role as a martial arts teacher and business owner, but I am in no way trying to state that I know what’s best for you or for society, although I definitely have some strong beliefs on the topic, which I’ll share on today’s episode.

Before we get into what I believe are the six core characteristics and competencies of being a man in today’s world, I want to briefly state why I’m talking about this on this show so that you have some context. While there are a variety of reasons I feel very strongly about this topic, the first two biggest motivators for me to talk about this are my two sons; which means that even if you get nothing from this episode, it will, at the very least, be a record for my sons to know what I think on this topic, it will become part of my legacy for them, and maybe, just maybe, help somebody else out there, male or female, put into words what they’ve thought but haven’t been able to express. If it also changes some perspectives for some of you, that’s a nice little bonus.

The third most important motivator for me to talk about this topic are some of the statistics as they pertain to being a man in the world today. As appraisers, we are supposed to be analyzers and interpreters of data. Some of the statistics around being a man in the world today are pretty sobering, in my opinion. So, being a man myself, the father of two bold young men, a brother, and a son, the statistics have me concerned. And, while I do not consider myself some kind of activist or crusader for men’s rights, or somebody who is against the empowerment of women, I believe it’s important to at least share what I’ve learned, what I see, and what I believe.

Let’s first address the topic that has become super prevalent over the last decade, which is the term ‘toxic masculinity’. The term was coined to describe certain traits and behaviors of men that are legitimately pretty toxic and almost universally accepted as being negative behaviors. They’re typically behaviors that don’t help men or women but probably would’ve been considered survival tactics at some point in history. I’ll list out some of these toxic masculinity traits and behaviors, but need to also say that the term, ‘toxic masculinity’ has taken on a life of its own in society and has become something of a blunt instrument to chastise and denigrate almost all male behavior by certain groups, just as the term ‘feminism’ for some has come to mean something other than what it was initially meant to empower.

It’s become a term used to shut down any conversations on the topic and it’s a term that’s been weaponized to demonize all male behaviors except those that conform to someone else’s definition of what it means to be a man in the world today.

While this list is not meant to be exhaustive and complete, these are the categories that I believe the term ‘toxic masculinity’ was originally meant to highlight. I’ve broken it down into the 5 categories of attitudes, behaviors, relationships, status, and aggression.  

Some of the most toxic attitudes amongst men, and the ones that are leading to the worst of the statistics I’ll share are:

1.        Believing men must never show emotion, vulnerability, sadness, or fear.

2.        Equating our worth with some kind of dominance, aggression, or control over others.

3.        Viewing females or less masculine men as somehow lesser than.

4.        Believing that asking for help is a form of weakness.

5.        Using strength and aggression as a form of dominance over another.

Of course, I do believe from personal experience as a man born in the 20th century and living in the 21st century that there are some definite rules for men when it comes to detoxifying, if you will, and becoming the best man you can be. You might disagree with some of these rules, and that is your absolute right.

One of those rules is that, if a man has to be careful not to be too toxically masculine, he must also be very careful not to let the pendulum swing too far in the other direction. What I mean by that is that, while it may be very refreshing for you to hear that you, as a man, are allowed to show vulnerability, sadness, and fear, sadly there are still consequences for men showing those emotions in the wrong setting. I don’t make the rules, I’m just sharing them with you. What I hope to do with some of what I share is to give some understanding of why some of those behaviors have developed from an evolutionary standpoint, while not justifying or excusing them in the process.

Whether you like it or not, the societal expectation for men is vastly different than for women and it crosses all categories: work, intimate relationships, friendships, and social. Again, you can disagree, but the statistics don’t lie. What is expected of a man in the workforce is different than what is expected of women, right or wrong. What is expected of men in relationships is different than what is expected of women. What is expected of a man in social settings is different than what is expected of women. One is not better than the other, but there are most definitely different standards both sexes are held to and to deny it is to simply be ignorant or have severe cognitive dissonance and extreme emotional biases.

While it’s toxic to equate your worth as a man with dominance, aggression, or control, if you don’t have the ability to fight for a better position in the workplace, develop dominance over your own weaknesses, or be aggressive with your goals and aspirations, what are you left with at the end of the day? The problem men face today is that any form of dominance, aggression, or control is often automatically labeled as toxic and misogynistic, which puts him in a position of playing defense against the accusations and labels, instead of doing what the world demands of men, which is to make something of himself. You can disagree with me all you want, the reality is that, if a man doesn’t make something of himself, he’s considered by society at large to have something wrong with him, he’s broken in some way, he’s lazy, and he’s generally considered useless in the grand scheme of things.

I’ve heard it said before that, if women are considered sex objects, then men are considered ‘success’ objects. While I believe that view to be a tad crass, the saying speaks to one of those unwritten societal expectations that judges a man differently than a woman, at least as it pertains to work, definitions of success, how much a man should earn, a man’s role in providing for others, and so on. Again, that’s not to say that there aren’t expectations of women in society, but I’m not a woman, so I can only speak based on my own experiences, as well as my observations over the decades as a man, as a son myself, and as a father of two boys.

Should men be able to be vulnerable, show emotions like sadness and fear, and be able to ask for help? I believe so. But I also believe the societal rules and expectations have made it so that men will avoid sharing these emotions lest he suffer the consequences of his actions and breaking that unwritten rule. Share emotions and fear amongst your closest and most trusted intimate relationships and amongst other well-adjusted men but be very careful sharing those with the world lest you be drummed out of the tribe for being considered a weak man. Again, I don’t make the rules, I’m just sharing them with you.

From attitudes we move to behaviors. The behaviors most often labeled ‘toxic’ are being dismissive of showing and sharing all of the emotions we just talked about: fear, sadness, and vulnerability. This is where our father’s and brother’s say’, “man up, dude!”, or “stop being a little girl!”. Behaviors like shaming men who might not fit into a stereotypical gender role, like a nurse, a stay-at-home dad, or someone in the caring professions. Using homophobia or sexism to police other men’s behavior. These are all considered examples of toxic versions of masculinity, and rightly so.

In relationships, toxic masculinity might be treating relationships as some kind of power struggle instead of a partnership, using jealousy as a form of control, and highlighting ‘notch count’ as some form of evidence of manhood as if the number of encounters makes you more man than another. These are not what healthy men do or how they behave, these are all performative forms of masculinity and are correctly being called out as toxic.

As toxic masculinity shows up in the realm of status, it typically manifests as overworking to the point of burnout. Refusing any form of collaboration or constructive criticism. Undervaluing the work of females at work. And dismissing any kind of ‘care’ work in the workplace. This would be any kind of effort to recognize the stresses everyone faces at work and trying to lessen them in some way. These are often considered to be the ‘feminine’ contributions to work and too soft for the so called ‘real men’.

Why would a man overwork to the point of burnout? A few reasons come to mind;

1.        He’s being macho and looking for recognition.

2.        He feels he has to prove himself in a world that requires it.

3.        He believes it's what is demanded of him lest he be quickly and easily replaced.

Friends, I’ll point back to the first points made about expectations of men that are different than what is expected of women in general. Whether you like it or not, or agree with it or not, the reality is that men in general must work to become something in the world. There is an implicit, if not explicit, expectation that a man will work to make himself into something useful in society or he has no place within it. He will sacrifice himself physically, mentally, and emotionally to mold himself into what is expected if he wants any kind of respect, good relationship, income, and place within society, not to mention, ‘get the girl’.

All of that is not a justification for bad or toxic behavior, but you can never change bad and toxic behavior without first understanding what its origins may be. Until one accepts that many of the contributing factors to what is called toxic masculinity today come, not necessarily from a bad upbringing or bad parenting, although that can be a factor, but more from what has been expected from men throughout history, which is to serve, to sacrifice, to provide financially, to be a protector, to build, to maintain what he built, and then, when he is no longer useful, go silently out to pasture until death.

The world demands that a man work to become something of himself but also be disposable when situations dictate. Women and children first when the ship is sinking. Why? No, its not because men are stronger and more capable, its because it is considered noble and chivalrous to sacrifice oneself as a man. It is expected. Men are expected to go to war for their country, do the most taxing and dangerous jobs, and they die younger as a result. Men are expected to provide financially for their family and are judged pretty harshly if they don’t or can’t. Men are shamed if they cry or show any kind of emotional weakness yet chastised as emotionally unavailable when they’re too stoic. They’re called sexist, oppressive, privileged, and toxic when calling out bad female behavior while females are often applauded for their bad behavior with phrases like ‘she’s just strong willed’, ‘she’s brave’, and ‘she knows her boundaries’.

This is not an attack on women but merely meant to highlight some of the double standards where men are concerned and what is expected of men that is not expected of women in society.

Let me share a few statistics for you as it relates to men in society:

-              In the U.S., men represent roughly 50% of the population, but account for almost 80% of the suicides. The male suicide rate is roughly 4 times that of females. If you have sons, that’s heartbreaking.

-              Globally, men die by suicide at rates twice that of women.

-              Globally, men are more likely to die from what are called ‘deaths of despair’, which are drug overdoses, alcohol related deaths, suicide over the loss of parenting rights, and suicide over the loss of a job.

-              Men comprise almost 80% of suicides in the U.S., yet less than 30% of mental health service users are men, and even fewer of those services are offered for men.

-              Men are 90+% more likely to die from industrial and workplace accidents.

-              Men dominate the prison populations, and maybe rightly so if they’re also committing most of the violence

-              In the U.S., almost 70% of divorces are initiated by women and half of men who go through a divorce lose some or all of their parental rights (now they’re called deadbeat dad’s while the women are praised for being single mothers)

-              Men make up the vast majority of substance use disorders

-              The justice system deals with drug, alcohol, and physical abuse from men differently than the penalties for women committing the same offenses.

The list goes on and on and on and lest you think I’m just shilling for the dudes in this episode, I can assure you I’m not. I get disgusted when I see men behaving badly and using their ‘maleness’ as a shield for that behavior, and the same goes for women. Bad behavior is bad behavior. But you have to put some of into context to fully understand where some of the behavior comes from.

The final category, if you will, is what I labeled as ‘aggression’. The toxic form of this is when men use aggression and/or violence as the default method for solving conflict. It’s engaging in reckless behavior to look tough and play a role. And it's glorifying only the physical and strength attributes while ignoring emotional and intellectual strength. And, of course, we see it in the crime statistics I just mentioned. Men dominate the prison populations primarily because they use violence and aggression to commit crimes. Many of those in prison had no strong male role models showing them the difference between toxic masculinity and healthy masculinity.

Again, there are more traits and behaviors that can be considered toxic, but these give you a general sense of what has most recently been labeled as toxic masculinity. So, let’s walk through some of these with a little bit of contrast to get a sense of some of the solutions to this toxic male behavior. For any of the ladies still listening, you’re not off the hook. I’m going to touch on toxic femininity as well after this, because they’re two sides of the same coin.

Let me preface this again with a statement that I don’t necessarily consider myself to be the ultimate male role model or the benchmark for what all men should strive for. I’m just some goofball with a podcast and I’ve made lots of mistakes in this regard. However, I’m also not willing to discount my own experience as a man, as a father of two boys, as a son with a strong father in my life, as a leader within my family, a leader in my community, and a teacher of thousands of boys and men over the last 30 years. As I’ve said many times on this show, when you have that many ‘at bats’ so to speak, you have an opportunity to accelerate learning and gain some real insight into what’s working and what’s not.

As a man who was raised by a very masculine, yet gentle role model, as a man who spent the better portion of his life studying martial arts, and specifically a martial art that emphasizes self control in all aspects of one’s life, and as somebody who almost lost his rights as a parent during a divorce, I believe I have some insights on this topic.

As we talk about what I believe are some of the contrasting traits and behaviors to toxic masculinity, I’ll say again that masculinity is not the problem and if you believe that it is, there is nothing I’ve said or will say that will change that for you. Mediocrity, weakness disguised as toughness, and male insecurity wearing the cloak of dominance and aggressiveness is toxic. Being inherently masculine and doing masculine things is not.

If we start where we did at the beginning with toxic attitudes and behaviors like saying, ‘real men don’t cry’, ‘man up’, ’stop being a little girl’, and that vulnerability is weakness for a man, then the healthy version of masculinity is that a man can be strong and also open. A strong man can identify and name his emotions; he can express them in a healthy and non-aggressive way, and he can encourage and support others in doing the same.

A strong, healthy man is a builder of other men and women. He’s someone who lifts others up, gives others the credit, yet takes responsibility for his failures and missteps. Again, there’s a caveat here: even though I believe 100% that a strong man is in touch with his emotions, he also knows the correct time, place, and company in which to share them. I don’t make the rules, I’m just sharing them.

Whether you understand this or not, men are punished in a variety of ways for being too emotional and sharing too much of that side of themselves with anyone other than their closest confidants. Society simply does not look favorably upon men sharing too much of their emotions publicly. Why? Because men are expected to have their emotions under control and any outward expression of them is perceived as weakness by all, not just by other men.

Men are expected to be the protectors and providers for society at large and, while it might be utopian to be able to share with everyone on the street corner how you’re struggling as a man, there are consequences for doing so that cannot be dismissed by anyone who genuinely understands and cares about this topic.

If you want to have some insight into why men kill themselves at a ridiculous rate, it’s primarily because they are disposable and are expected to be unemotional, or at least in control of their emotions at all times. If anything should be considered toxic, it should be that. This is why having real, true male friends and belonging to a good community is so important. Men have very few people and safe places to share their emotions with. Even though a good man can be strong and also open and in touch with his feelings, he likely will not be free with those feelings based on the unwritten rules of being a man in the world.

Let’s talk about strength. Strength in the male world means domination, intimidation, and presupposes the ability to commit violence. It represents the ability to get heavy work done efficiently. Historically, it was required for survival of the tribe. Physically weak men were a burden to the tribe and likely meant certain death for themselves and others around them. Weak men placed a burden on the rest of the tribe and were, therefore, either made to become strong, or cast out from the tribe.

Obviously, in a civilized and highly advanced society we live in today, having strength, physical or otherwise, is not required to fight off rival clans and tribes. It’s not needed for hunting and killing for survival. Today, physical strength is more a marker for longevity and health span than anything else. The toxic aspects of strength are the ones that use domination, intimidation, and violence to get what they want. Healthy masculinity and being strong means resilience, the ability to bounce back from hardship, the ability to remain calm under pressure, and the ability to protect others without needing to control them. Healthy strength is strength of character, having a clear set of values, and the balls to stand up for them.

While we’re on the topic of strength as it relates to toxic and healthy masculinity, I’ll share my personal belief on this, although I risk being called out as perpetuating toxic masculinity by doing so with this one because my belief is that, to be a healthy masculine role model, while you don’t need to be packed with muscles and look the part of a Navy Seal, I am a firm believer in the theory that, as a man, you must become what some who speak on this topic call ‘dangerous’.

When I use the term ‘dangerous’, I’m not using the term to mean dangerous in a ‘loose cannon’ kind of way. To paraphrase Jordan Peterson on this topic, “if you think tough men are dangerous, wait until you see what weak men are capable of.”  What he’s referring to is the idea that a truly good man and masculine role model is not weak, he’s not passive, and he’s not harmless. Harmlessness, or the complete inability to do harm when its required, is not a virtue, it’s simply incapacity. A strong and virtuous man is one who has the capacity and ability to be dangerous but chooses to control that power until its needed.

Life is full of conflict, chaos, and threats; physical, social, and moral. A man who cannot stand up to evil, cannot protect themselves and others, or even push back when necessary is not only useless in those moments, but is also a liability since they too will need to be protected by somebody else. A man who places the burden of his own protection and the protection of his loved ones onto someone else is a toxic man. If a man won't carry the weight of protection, he becomes a burden on those he should be shielding, and relying on others to protect what you should protect yourself isn’t humility or healthy masculinity, it’s simply cowardice. I would call it toxic.

As somebody who has spent the better part of his life training for violence, or at least how not to be a victim, and teaching thousands of men and women how to be better at protecting themselves and others, but choosing almost always to harness that ability for constructive endeavors, I am a believer in having competence in aggression, the strength to withstand chaos, pain, and struggle, and the ability to protect those around me if faced with the choice. A man who cannot defend himself in some way is not virtuous, he’s just weak. A man who can fight and defend what he knows to be right, but chooses restraint, peace, and discipline is expressing masculinity in its designed form. A true measure of masculinity is a mastery over strength, violence, and impulse, not the absence of an ability to protect oneself, much less those he loves.

Hate me and call me a toxic male all you wish (you won’t be the first nor the last), but it's my belief that real power comes from the ability to protect and provide in some way. It comes from the ability to stand up to injustice and violence and protect one’s family, not just hope for peace or for somebody better to step in on your behalf. And those who refuse to cultivate some kind of strength leave a vacuum that often gets filled by the worst kind of men: the tyrants, bullies, and abusers.

Let me be very clear on this part of the discussion. I understand completely that we live in a relatively safe and ordered society today and the odds of you ever having to physically protect yourself or anyone else is relatively low. Most people will go their whole lives and never be in a physical altercation or have to physically defend their loved ones. I don’t think it makes sense to spend any of the already limited time that we all have training for something that has a low likelihood of occurring. I am not saying that to be a healthy masculine role model that you have to know Jiu Jitsu or carry a gun. I know jiu jitsu and carry a gun and neither of those things make me a man. They make me awesome, just not a man.

I believe my role as a healthy male in this world is to be a protector and a provider for myself and those around me, but that protection and provision can come in a variety of ways. I believe a healthy male role model protects himself first from anything that would make him compromise his values and act in a way that others might question his integrity. He’s willing to stand up to evil in all its forms and confront dishonesty, conflict, and bad behavior.

We see forms of this in industry forums all the time. Although fairly innocuous, still no less damaging and toxic to see some poor soul ask an honest question and get completely annihilated and berated by the worst offenders of this form of toxicity. Men, if you’re listening to this and you’re one of the assholes berating people on Internet forums for not knowing something or for simply asking a question, you’re not a healthy, strong male role model, you’re one of the toxic people this is all about. You act and speak that way because there are almost no consequences for being an asshole on the internet. You’re a weak and insecure human being wearing the mask of a strong man. The same goes for the women, by the way.

Protection and provision do not necessarily mean that you are the strongest, the best fighter, or even capable of violence in any way. But if you can’t even stand up, push back, and protect yourself or someone else when it matters and when necessary, then you’re simply useless when it does matter and that, my friends, is not healthy masculinity, that’s impotence.  The opposite of toxic masculinity in this regard is not weakness; it’s disciplined strength because weakness dressed as somehow being virtuous is just as toxic, in my opinion.

Peaceful men are not harmless. They’re men who have the capacity and ability to control themselves, but to also stand up for and protect their own values, the values of those around them even if they may disagree, and maybe even the capacity for violence that is almost always kept under control, except when it’s absolutely necessary. There is a saying that it is better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in war. One is capable, but in control, the other is incapable and unable to do anything other than trim the bushes.

Weakness is never neutral, friends. It doesn’t matter if it comes from a man or a woman. In business or in life, when you are unwilling to shoulder responsibility, someone else is forced to carry it for you. If you have an inability to understand that toxicity doesn’t just exist in men, and it’s not just too much strength, power, and aggressiveness, it’s also the complete absence of those things, then you’re probably one of those people shouting that all aspects of being a man are toxic, which makes you just as toxic.

To be clear, lest you think I’m a defender of everything male, I too see toxic masculine traits and behaviors all the time. I see grown men acting like boys trying to be men. I see men trying to be stronger than they really are and than they really need to be. I see men overworking out of some toxic belief systems. I see men behaving badly towards women simply because they’re women. I see men behaving badly towards other men simply because they perceive them to be weak or less than. I see fathers telling their sons to ‘man up’ and ‘stop being such a wimp’.  I see traits and behaviors that I know come from two primary places: their own upbringing, and their own weaknesses and insecurities.

But I also see men not being willing to call out bad behavior when it comes from women, which is also toxic masculinity masquerading as being some kind of protector of women. Sorry men, that’s not noble or virtuous, it’s fostering bad behavior because you’re too weak and too scared to stand up for what’s right simply because it comes from a woman. We see it all the time where a woman behaves horribly, but everyone is too scared to call it out for whatever selfish and insecure reasons they harbor.

I saw it on a daily basis in the corporate environment I worked in for a few years where the women were often called ‘rockstars’ for simply doing what they were hired for and what was expected of them, while the men were often chastised for not setting records each month. The women could cry when more was demanded of them and the leadership would simply leave them alone, issue unsolved. The women would frequently go to HR for some perceived feeling of injustice by the men and the other women they worked with, now everyone has to take a new workplace behavior course online. The women could say whatever was on their minds at the moment, which was frequently about the men in charge, and the men would get a stern talking to. Should any man utter anything at all perceived by any female as unacceptable to her, a talking to by the CEO and a write up in HR was right around the corner.

In that environment, the women got away with some really bad behavior (and likely still do) and very toxic traits simply because they were women and the men in charge were too weak and fearful of what those women might say or do, so the men did nothing. What do you think happens when everyone else in a company sees the double standard? When bad behavior gets a pass, regardless of who it comes from, it sends a message that it’s ok. When bad behavior is side stepped and avoided by weak people unwilling to confront it, it sends a message to the strongest and most competent among them that this is not a place to stay and fight for. Only the weakest among them stay over time because the weak ones are the ones who are unwilling to stand up for what’s right. The strongest will always gravitate to an environment where there are people who share the same values as them and bad behavior is not tolerated, regardless of who it’s coming from.

If you don’t hate me at this point, you might after this next part because this is where we segue into toxic femininity. Here’s a sad truth that many don’t like, either because they know its true, or because they’re unwilling to see it. As far as the societal demands dictate, woman can just ‘be’, a man has to ‘become’. “Aww shoot! Now you’ve done it Blaine!!”

No, I didn’t say women don’t have to work hard. No, I didn’t say women can’t be and do anything a man can do. No, I didn’t say that women are dumb or incompetent. I didn’t say any of those things. I simply said, from a societal expectations perspective, women, in general, are valued for their beauty, their brains, their caregiving, and their relational skills. Men, in general, are valued for their utility, their ability to produce, their ability to protect and provide, their willingness and ability to take on the toughest and most dangerous roles in society, and their willingness to sacrifice themselves in the commission of those things. I don’t make the rules, I’m just telling you how it is. Disregard them at your own ignorance or peril both as a woman and as a man.

I have four sisters, a mother, I had four grandmothers, dozens of aunts, a former wife, and an amazing female life partner. I love and respect women. I’ve had a front row seat for 54 years as a man to what the world expects from me as a man and what it expects from women, and they’re vastly different things. To not acknowledge that fact is to simply not acknowledge it. I also fully understand that masculinity is not the sole domain of men, just as women can not claim complete ownership of femininity. As a species, those things are two sides of the same coin.

A fully formed human being has aspects of both. My partner, Jolene, carries and shoots guns, she lifts weights and works out harder than most men, she can throw a football better than most men, she rides a motorcycle, she’s an expert slalom water skier, runs a successful business, is a leader of men and women, and a bunch of other things that many might consider to be fairly masculine traits and activities, although not the sole domain of men. I am a watercolor and fountain pen artist; I study the art of flower arranging and Japanese art of the tea ceremony; I watch some very ‘unmasculine’ reality tv shows with my partner, I’ve built 4 large Koi ponds and absolutely love the water lilies and other water plants that grow in them, and so on, none of which are the sole domain of women. None of those things make either of us any more or less man or woman. In fact, I believe those things make us simply more fully formed human beings than we would be without doing those things.

In fact, as a somebody I consider to be a strong female role model, I lean on her experiences and input at times when it comes to the toxic traits and behaviors in both men and women because she deals with and experiences all of it in her career as a beauty professional and business owner. She gets to have 3 and 4 hour conversations with women, hour long conversations with men, and she gets to see and hear little bits of the healthy and the toxic from the men and the women.

To think that toxicity lies only with one of the sexes is one of the lies that I hope this episode adequately addresses. There is as much toxicity coming from females as there is toxicity coming from men, and it’s probably fair to say that one often creates or encourages the other. So, what is the other side of that toxic masculinity coin?

The other side of the coin is where toxic femininity manipulates through shame, guilt, and perpetual victimhood, which is exactly what I experienced in the corporate world. Offended by everything, ashamed of nothing, and accountable to nobody. They call strength and aggressiveness from a man, ‘abuse’, but powerful and brave when it comes from a female. They call leadership oppression and privilege when it comes from a man, but when it’s a woman in charge, it called empowerment and breaking the glass ceiling.

When a man is assertive, it’s labeled as arrogance, audacity, or being domineering. When a woman is assertive, she’s praised as confident, courageous, and bold. If a man is ambitious and driven, its because he’s egotistical and privileged or entitled. When a woman is ambitious and driven, she’s celebrated as a trailblazer and fighting for her own self-advocacy. If a man is in a position to set standards and demand accountability, he’s now branded as controlling, toxic, and a tyrant. When a woman set the standards, it was called strong leadership and she had vision. When men had high expectations of everyone, it was considered oppressive or unfair by the women. But, when a female has high expectations, it’s considered raising the bar, blazing a trail for other women, and empowering others to grow.

Obviously, I’m calling out what I consider to be the most toxic versions and behaviors of both sides, which is not to say that women don’t have their own struggles and challenges in the world and in the workplace. We see it in sports, the workplace, and dozens of other places. I could do a whole other episode just on the differences and injustices women face in the world, and maybe I will, but this one is about what it means to be a healthy man in the world. Just as having a toxic male culture pushes out the best women and is damaging in a company, having a toxic feminine culture may be even more damaging as it pushes out the best and strongest of the males to go work for competitors and even start their own competitive companies. Women are far less likely to create a competing enterprise. Those are simply the statistics. Ignore them at your peril.

So, let’s wrap this one up with what I consider to be the overarching traits, roles, and behaviors of a healthy male role model.

I mentioned 5 categories at the beginning of the show, and they are: attitudes, behaviors, relationships, status, and aggression. So, let’s highlight and recap what I consider to be the healthy versions of all 5 of those.

1.        Attitudes

Some of the most destructive of these for men are the ones that dictates men can’t have strong emotions, men can’t be vulnerable, men can’t cry, and men should be able to just deal with their emotions on their own. These are the attitudes that lead to the very high suicide rates, imprisonment relates, and violence rates among males.

The healthy version dictates that a man can be strong AND open. A healthy man and good male role model is able to name his feelings, express them appropriately  and to only the appropriate people in his life, and, maybe more importantly, able to encourage and support other men doing the same.

Of course, being a healthy male entails respecting the women in his life, respecting the rights of women, and respecting the differences between the sexes. As a man, I don’t have to agree with everything and everyone, but I believe my role is a man is that of a protector and provider, which entails protecting the rights of everyone, even if I may disagree with something.

2.        Behaviors

Healthy masculinity, in my opinion, demands of men to be:

-              Protector. This means standing up in dangerous or stressful situations. A man doesn’t have to be an expert martial artist or have a ripped physique to be a protector. He has to have the willingness to put himself out front to defend those weaker than himself. The role of a healthy male is to provide a sense of safety for loved ones, not just physically, but emotionally and financially as well.

-              Provider. A healthy man provides more than just financial safety and protection. He contributes his time, wisdom, experience, emotional support, and stability.

-              Responsible. A healthy man owns his mistakes instead of blaming others. He gives credit to those around him for the good, and accepts responsibility when things go wrong. A healthy man shoulders burdens rather than blaming and shifting them onto someone else.

-              Disciplined. A healthy man practices and exercises self-control over impulses, appetites, and emotions. Again, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t and can’t have emotions, he just knows with whom and how he must handle those emotions. And he is consistent in his drive to do more, be more, live more and give more. A man should always be chasing growth and to be better tomorrow than he was yesterday lest he fall into the traps and comfort and mediocrity. Again, not only is it not good for a man’s soul to not seek growth, but society does not look favorably upon men not chasing excellence.

-              Truth Warrior. A healthy man says what needs to be said, even when its unpopular and may hurt some feelings. He refuses to lie, flatter, or shrink out of fear. He stands up to injustices, especially against those weaker than himself, and he doesn’t cower to toxic men or toxic women.

-              Emotional Mastery. A healthy man is able to feel deeply and is always willing to explore what those feelings are without being ruled by the emotions. He’s comfortable showing love, grief, and even vulnerability while remaining strong and grounded.

-              Leader. A healthy male leads by example. He models the standards he expects from others, whether at home, work, or in his community, and he leads with action, not empty words.

-              Service. A healthy male uses his strength and resources to lift others up, not to dominate them and tear them down. He sees leadership as an act of service, not entitlement or privilege.

-              Courageous. A healthy man stands firm under pressure. He confronts problems instead of avoiding them. He doesn’t run from conflict, but faces it head on and as soon as he recognizes it or is faced with it.

-              Kaizen. A healthy man is never done growing. He is always seeking ways to be better today than he was yesterday. He strives to get stronger, wiser, and more capable. An unhealthy man stagnates, a healthy man is always a work in progress to be better mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Friends, masculinity isn’t toxic. Weakness disguised as strength is toxic. Cowardice dressed up as compassion is toxic. And the idea that men should be disposable while simultaneously being shamed for standing strong, that’s the real dilemma in our culture. A healthy man is dangerous, disciplined, and honorable. He protects, provides, leads, and serves. He doesn’t bow to toxic masculinity or femininity out of fear, and he doesn’t abuse his strength out of insecurity. He carries his own weight, and he carries the weight of those who depend on him. So, the question you have to answer is this: are you the counterfeit, or are you the real thing? Because this profession and the world doesn’t need fewer men, it needs better men. Be one.

Do more, be more, live more and give more. Until next time, I’m out…